Confidence

A sudden urge to blog hit my mind.

From my last post, I realized that it’s been a year ago since my last update. In fact, I have lost my blogging habit long ago. Strange enough, while surfing the net aimlessly today, I am brought to here.

Currently it’s my academic year break- 3 months long. To update myself a bit, I’m doing internship in a company and doing research for these 3 months.

Emo, emo and emo. I don’t know why. I just feel that I have lost my confidence which I possessed back in secondary school time. Take an example, whenever I am desire to carry out something new in my research, a sudden thought will always pop out, telling me that it might be fail, putting my effort worthless. I start to realize that I am afraid of failure, and I just don’t dare to try out furthermore.

Maybe there’re several reasons behind this scenario. My supervisor has always explained something to me in a different level- making me spin and spin around without knowing what is she trying to say. The knowledge required for the research project has indeed beyond my knowledge boundary, and I sometimes really struggle to understand her by searching all kinds of stuffs through whatever means I can resort to. Sometimes when I try to ask her about what is the thing she mentioned, she will just show some face expressions, and emphasize that I should have learnt this and that before.

Until very recent, about two days ago, I realized that sometimes it’s hard for me to express myself in a clear and precise manner. I may have to take 3 mins to explain something which a normal person will only need a minute, or even less than that. It seems that something strange happens on me, and I always ask myself, is it mental retardation? >< (Hopefully it’s not)

And many things are queuing up outside the door of my brain at this moment, making me feel the “stress” even though I should be enjoying myself during my vacation. My future curriculum schedule, future industrial attachment company, the fear of facing hectic uni life ahead, future career, and bla bla bla….I will always tell myself not to worry too much about my own future. I don’t have a crystal ball. My future is always an unknown. Nevertheless, I have fallen into this state (thinking too much). Is it because of my greatly reduced confidence? Or perhaps I have nothing much to think during the vacation? I really don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I just need back my confidence. For me, doing something without confidence equals to failure. I must find back the confidence that I had lost.